PERSPECTIVE
Kashmir is a predominantly Muslim society with a rich Islamic heritage being expected to foster an environment conducive to harmonious family life, not to mention other facets of society. However, stark realities paint a different picture, replete with discord and embarrassment. The ideal Muslim institution remains elusive, overshadowed by pervasive family feuds and unabated violence, defying educational distinctions, community or regional boundaries.
The situation is utterly dire in various cases, even among those who boast ample Islamic knowledge regarding the sacred institutions of marriage and family. It’s a tragic paradox: we spout wisdom but fail miserably in practice. Our hypocrisy knows no bounds, sabotaging the divine message’s noble aim to foster harmony within families. Ignorance and arrogance reign supreme, choking the very essence of familial peace.
We stubbornly refuse to dismantle the entrenched barriers obstructing positive change. Instead, we revel in the toxic cycle of animosity, particularly between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, perpetuating a vicious tradition of conflict and cruelty. This festering hostility has become so normalized that it’s practically woven into the fabric of family dynamics, breeding resentment and suffering.
Centuries-old folk tales and haunting melodies echo the anguish of countless women, trapped in a cycle of victimization perpetuated by their own gender. The haunting verses of Habba Khatoon, a Kashmiri poetess of the 16th century, bear witness to the unspeakable horrors endured at the hands of heartless mothers-in-law. Yet, despite the passage of time, the plight of these women remains unchanged, a grim reminder of our collective failure to uphold the sanctity of familial bonds.
The general populace remains woefully unaware of the true essence and significance of the role of a daughter-in-law. She is not merely expected but demanded to tirelessly cater to the whims and needs of everyone in the household, from the youngest offspring to the eldest patriarch, all while juggling domestic and external responsibilities. In the archaic structure of joint families, particularly prevalent in rural settings, daughters-in-law are reduced to nothing more than labourers, devoid of even a little freedom not to say autonomy. They are shackled to a ceaseless cycle of servitude, expected to function as mere automatons, pushing themselves beyond human limits without respite.
Even in sickness, most of them are denied the basic right to tend to their own well-being, forced to soldier on without rest until their ailments reach dire proportions. Their post-marital bliss is marred by incessant obligations, often unordained, leaving little room for the nurturing of their marital bond. In many instances, husbands remain oblivious to the silent struggles endured by their spouses, compounding their isolation and anguish. Deprived of even the simplest forms of recreation, daughters-in-law find themselves adrift, devoid of individuality or purpose.
Tragically, this oppressive cycle begins long before marriage, as young girls are conditioned and indoctrinated in their parental homes to accept their fate with resigned acquiescence. On the day of their nuptials, they are ceremoniously handed over to their in-laws with a chilling admonition: “We are dead to you now, endure whatever may come, but never dare to voice dissent against your in-laws.”
Although considered a symbolic gesture for daughters to establish permanent residence with their in-laws, it also serves as a mental preparation for the inevitable victimization they endure. Yet, this isn’t merely death, but cold-blooded murder, shrouded in societal apathy and legal indifference.
The scourge of domestic violence transcends mere physical abuse and dowry deaths; there exist insidious forms of oppression silently suffocating daughters-in-law, begging for institutional scrutiny and research.
On the flip side, a sinister shadow looms where the family unit, including the mother-in-law, bears the brunt of an ill-fitted daughter-in-law’s tyranny. She wields control over her husband, asserting dominance in the presence of his kin, treating him as chattel. These women sabotage familial bonds, leaving the elderly abandoned and destitute, trapped in the abyss of isolation. On the other hand, a mother stubbornly clings to the image of her son as her little boy, even when he’s a grown man with his own kids. To her, he’s the extension of her deepest emotions, the one she expects to provide security in her twilight years. She’s not keen on relinquishing control of what she’s built over a lifetime to some newcomer.
Consequently, their relationship often simmers with tension, characterized by icy exchanges, toxic dynamics, and frequent clashes that escalate into verbal warfare. Both are vying for the affection and allegiance of one man, who struggles to navigate the treacherous waters between them, often falling short.
This dysfunctional dynamic, rooted in generations of tradition, could be avoided if both sides honored each other’s autonomy and rights. The age-old feud between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law dissipates in families that uphold mutual respect and social decency. In such households, the mother-in-law exhibits wisdom and fairness in her dealings with her daughter-in-law, even when faced with challenges from a less-than-ideal daughter-in-law. Here, the onus falls on the mother-in-law to rise above petty conflicts and confrontations, employing grace and tact to diffuse tension and foster harmony with an understanding of the genuine role of daughter-in-law beyond that what is being wrongfully expected from her in the framework of our convictions.
To shatter the oppressive stereotype, a mother-in-law must fiercely shield her daughter-in-law’s vulnerabilities from her own offspring, especially her daughters. She must step up as her daughter-in-law’s staunchest ally, guiding her through trials and tribulations, emphasizing the sanctity of love and commitment in marriage. Acting as a relentless mentor, she must persist until her daughter-in-law understands her new home. This ensures her daughter-in-law views her not as a formidable foe lying in wait for her downfall, but as a genuine, supportive ally.
A wise mother-in-law demonstrates impartiality and integrity, swiftly intervening if she witnesses her own daughter mistreating her daughter-in-law. Her moral compass, driven by both social awareness and reverence for the divine, forbids her from condoning oppression or injustice, even if it involves her own flesh and blood.
Any woman who truly embraces this guidance shall wield the sword of justice without hesitation, never swayed by bias or familial ties. She shall stand unwavering, even if it means ruling against her own flesh and blood in favour of righteousness.
The turmoil within families, escalating into courtroom battles and reconciliation sessions, predominantly stems from disputes between couples. These conflicts, whether sparked by trivial matters left unaddressed or fueled by significant issues, not only tarnish the couple’s reputation but also wreak havoc on the lives of their innocent children.
Given the extensive experience of this author in dealing such weighty matters within official circles for a considerable duration, it is glaringly evident that the essence and sanctity of marital unions are frequently disregarded by many couples. They fail to grasp the profound significance of their roles within this sacred institution, opting instead for behaviors that are devoid of dignity and respect. The repercussions of this disregard become evident when couples, having desecrated the sanctity of their union in manners both religiously and culturally condemned, find themselves embroiled in legal battles, weaving through a labyrinth of bizarre arguments and counterarguments within the courtroom.
Typically, men bear the brunt of accusations and subsequent proof of their harshness, indecency, disloyalty, and violence towards their partners. Yet, this does not absolve women entirely from the charges laid against them. The complexities of the couples’ dynamics necessitate a thorough investigation to ascertain the truth and mete out justice or facilitate reconciliation for their reintegration.
Frequently, these relationships crumble under the weight of endless bickering, consumed by vengeful impulses. Such stubborn and aggressive conduct shatters any hope for a brighter future, casting a dark shadow over the lives of their offspring, destined to mirror their parents’ toxic legacy. This is the abominable aftermath of poor socialization, staining the fabric of society.
In the face of such turmoil, it is incumbent upon the wise and respected elders of both factions, as dictated by the tenets of Islamic doctrine, to convene with earnest resolve. Their duty as impartial arbiters is paramount, intervening before the flames of rage and retribution engulf the couple and their innocent children, leading inevitably to the divine disdain of divorce—a fate unworthy of those bound by sacred bonds.
(The author is a regular columnist of Rising Kashmir and can be reached at [email protected])
