A dear friend, on a grey rainy autumn day in October, suggested to me that perhaps I should start writing again. It was with a bit of amazement and a healthy amount of irritation that I replied: “What the hell do you think I have been doing for the last 12 years? I have done nothing except writing”. “No, not the research writing”, he replied. “I know that. I am talking about the columns you used to write long ago”.
It made me ponder. For days. Weeks. Months.
I had begun dreading the fictionalized accounts of truth which I so loved writing when I started over a decade ago. Every two weeks I would tell tales of Jammu &Kashmir through someone’s perspective in the most verisimilitudinous way possible. Fortnightly, I would become a widow, an orphan, a police constable who got killed while performing his duty, a young boy who was used, abused, misused and became a militant, Girija Tickoo whose body was cut into pieces by using a saw meant for cutting trees, a three-year old child, Burhan Bhat in whose tiny body some unidentified men pumped three bullets while he was enjoying the softness of his father’s lap in their small home in Sopore, an Afghan Mujahid questioning his decision of coming to Kashmir and waging Jihad, a daughter of Jammu & Kashmir named Amina whose woes transcended the frontiers of history, and even Jalod bhava – a demon madly in love with his beloved, the Dal Lake.
While writing such columns might sound trivial, for me it was anything but. The trick with this style of writing is that the reader must truly believe, and not for a second doubt, that it is indeed the character writing the story and not someone else as otherwise the story becomes laughable. To achieve this, one has to employ a technique called ‘Method Writing’; I used to empathize with my characters, emotionally connect with them, talk to them for hours and sometimes days and while trying to bring realism to the words I would then pen, I used to get angry, sad, disillusioned, joyous and what not. I compelled myself to think, feel and speak like a widow, orphan or a young child killed in his father’s lap and as a result suffered from insomnia, depression, distractions and anguish. The times that I would get a few hours of sleep, I would sometimes wake up sweating and calling out the names of the characters which I had become.
Or perhaps, they had become me.
It was during this period that I read Dilip Kumar’s autobiography: ‘The Substance and the Shadow’. Being the epitome of Method Acting, he struggled with similar issues when, in his younger years, he used to portray very heavy, depressed and emotionally deep characters which eventually earned him the epithet of ‘Tragedy King’. At some point, Dilip Sahib, as he writes in his autobiography, had to consult a psychiatrist as he had immense difficulty disconnecting with the very intense characters he had portrayed. Following the advice of his psychiatrist, Dilip Kumar started taking on light-hearted roles and acted in ‘Ram aur Shyam’, ‘Azaad’, ‘Leader’, ‘Gopi’ and other such movies.
Me, having just turned thirty when writing the stories I did write, thought that I could do the same. However, I was not Dilip Kumar. Not even close. I tried my hand at a few light-hearted stories like describing an amusing conversation between the Prime Ministers of India and Pakistan about their ideas of solving the issue of Jammu & Kashmir or a story about our Kashmiris’ famous disregard for punctuality, but such stories were unfortunately not my forte.
Then suddenly, one day, I decided to stop.
However, the urge to write did not leave me and somewhere in the winter of 2016, I became the Director of a Think Tank, the European Foundation for South Asian Studies (EFSAS), based in Amsterdam. EFSAS’ focus was political, economic and socio-cultural themes in South Asia, with a specific focus on issues like Terrorism, Indo-Pak relations, Geo-politics of South Asia and the Jammu & Kashmir conflict. This became my outlet to write, and I started writing academic- and research-oriented pieces like Research Papers, Commentaries and Research Articles in my professional capacity. Some hard work, good writing skills, dedicated colleagues and perhaps a bit of sheer luck made EFSAS into a respected and credible organization which eventually started presenting its research at august international fora like the United Nations, NATO, the European Parliament, various other Parliaments in Europe and esteemed educational establishments like Oxford University, LUISS University, King’s College and more than a dozen other universities and colleges in Europe.
EFSAS has spoken and organized numerous Conferences, Debates and Lectures at these fora and its views and impeccable research have been quoted in countless newspapers and government reports. EFSAS’ publications run in tens of thousands of pages and much of it can be accessed on its website (www.efsas.org). It is with modesty, yet fulfilment that I can say, that today EFSAS runs itself through steady funding from the EU and a committed team of professionals and continues to be a success by being a trustworthy voice on issues related to South Asia and Terrorism.
Yet, for me, something was missing. Don’t get me wrong; Academic writing is great and gives one a lot of satisfaction as one is able to analyse extremely complicated issues at various intricate levels while searching for realistic solutions, but for me, as a creative writer, I longed to write the way I used to write. Call me schizophrenic or a bit insane but while I feared method writing because of my turbulent experiences, I also harboured a certain bizarre yearning to become those characters again and tell their stories.
A few months back, I decided that it was time to permanently come back to my homeland, Jammu & Kashmir. I was content with what I had achieved with EFSAS at the highest international fora in the world and concluded that the organisation did not require my physical presence anymore to grow. Now that I have resettled to Kashmir, I will be establishing a branch-office of EFSAS in Srinagar. While EFSAS Amsterdam will focus more on geo-political issues, EFSAS Srinagar will conduct field-research in Jammu & Kashmir and thereby focus more on locally relevant socio-economic and political issues.
While being back, and of course provoked by the suggestion of my friend, I gave it a long thought and eventually resolved that I will again try to pen down the innumerable tales of passion and deceit that are floating around in this Valley. I believe that these stories are worth the pain and maybe it is exactly this pain, hidden at levels not visible to the naked eye, deprived of a voice, yet screeching in each aching breath of these characters, which needs to be shared.
I won’t be able to do this alone and therefore ask your assistance; I would like to know your stories, or the stories of your neighbours, friends, family or even that distant acquaintance whom you have just met once or twice; Stories which you think need to be told. You can mail me your stories or meet me to discuss them. I look forward to connecting with you and listening to your experiences and thoughts as I will be writing every second and last Sunday of the month in this newspaper. While this first piece is from my own perspective and aimed at introducing this column, the next one will be from someone else’s perspective aimed at introducing your stories through a fictionalized account.
Before ending, I would be failing in my duty if I did not express my gratitude to the many beautiful people who have contributed to the small insignificant writings of mine and deserve my utmost gratefulness. Although it is my name under each column, research, article or speech, these humble achievements are equally theirs. My deepest admiration to my father, who has been a source of knowledge and wisdom, my mother for her unwavering prayers and blessings, and a legion of dear friends for their advices abundant of genuineness.
I am also indelibly grateful to my wife, Gousia. She has been a pillar of strength, comfort, reflection and love which I regrettably forget to tell her as much as she deserves to hear it. Without her unrelenting support, I would not know how to hold a pen, let alone be able to write. I’m sure she will be mischievously smiling and nodding in agreement when she reads this.
Last but not the least; I am eternally indebted to my land, Jammu & Kashmir. The source of my inspiration and the reason for my passion. I desperately long for it to be what it once was and pray that we all may succeed in restoring it. The paradise of all of us, irrespective of caste, creed or colour and with four magnificent seasons: Kashmiriyat, Peace, Tolerance and Beauty.
(The Author is the Director of European Foundation for South Asian Studies (EFSAS) and can be reached at: [email protected])
