The emotional turmoil that children face when their parents are divorced often results in helplessness, anger, confusion, sadness, guilt, self-blame, distress, anxiety, and disbelief. While some children engage in self-blame, others might turn that lens outwards and blame one parent. Research has found that kids struggle the most during the first year or two after the divorce.
But many kids seem to bounce back. They get used to changes in their daily routines and they grow comfortable with their living arrangements. Others, however, never really seem to go back to “normal.” This small percentage of children may experience ongoing—possibly even lifelong—problems after their parents’ divorce.
Divorce creates emotional turmoil for the entire family, but for kids, the situation can be quite scary, confusing, and frustrating.
• Young children often struggle to understand why they must go between two homes. They may worry that if their parents can stop loving one another that someday, their parents may stop loving them.
• Grade school children may worry that the divorce is their fault. They may fear they misbehaved or they may assume they did something wrong.
• Teenagers may become quite angry about a divorce and the changes it creates. They may blame one parent for the dissolution of the marriage or they may resent one or both parents for the upheaval in the family.
Of course, each situation is unique. In extreme circumstances, a child may feel relieved by the separation—if a divorce means fewer arguments and less stress.
Divorce usually means children lose daily contact with one parent—most often fathers. Decreased contact affects the parent-child bond and according to a paper published in 2014, researchers have found many children feel less close to their fathers after divorce.
Divorce also affects a child’s relationship with the custodial parent—most often mothers. Primary caregivers often report higher levels of stress associated with single parenting.
For some children, parental separation isn’t the hardest part. Instead, the accompanying stressors are what make divorce the most difficult. Changing schools, moving to a new home, and living with a single parent who feels a little more frazzled are just a few of the additional stressors that make divorce difficult.
Divorce may increase the risk for mental health problems in children and adolescents. Regardless of age, gender, and culture, children of divorced parents experience increased psychological problems. Divorce may trigger an adjustment disorder in children that resolves within a few months. But studies have also found depression and anxiety rates are higher in children from divorced parents.
Children from divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, and impulsive behaviour than kids from two-parent families. In addition to increased behaviour problems, children may also experience more conflict with peers after a divorce.
Children from divorced families don’t always perform as well academically. However, a study published in 2019 suggested kids from divorced families tended to have trouble with school if the divorce was unexpected, whereas children from families where divorce was likely didn’t have the same outcome.
Adolescents with divorced parents are more likely to engage in risky behaviour, such as substance use and early sexual activity. In the United States, adolescents with divorced parents drink alcohol earlier and report higher alcohol, marijuana, tobacco, and drug use than their peers. Adolescents whose parents divorced when they were 5 years old or younger were at particularly high risk for becoming sexually active prior to the age of 16, according to a study published in 2010. Separation from fathers has also been associated with higher numbers of sexual partners during adolescence.
Research has suggested divorce can affect children socially, as well. Children whose family is going through divorce may have a harder time relating to others, and tend to have fewer social contacts. Sometimes children feel insecure and wonder if their family is the only family that has gotten divorced.
Divorce can bring several types of emotions to the forefront for a family, and the children involved are no different. Feelings of loss, anger, confusion, anxiety, and many others, all may come from this transition. Divorce can leave children feeling overwhelmed and emotionally sensitive. Children need an outlet for their emotions – someone to talk to, someone who will listen, etc. – children may feel effects of divorce through how they process their emotions.
In some cases, where children feel overwhelmed and do not know how to respond to the affects, they feel during divorce, they may become angry or irritable. Their anger may be directed at a wide range of perceived causes. Children processing divorce may display anger at their parents, themselves, their friends, and others. While for many children this anger dissipates after several weeks, if it persists, it is important to be aware that this may be a lingering effect of the divorce on children.
Children often wonder why a divorce is happening in their family. They will look for reasons, wondering if their parents no longer love each other, or if they have done something wrong. These feelings of guilt are a very common effect of divorce on children, but also one which can lead to many other issues. Guilt increases pressure, can lead to depression, stress, and other health problems. Providing context and counselling for a child to understand their role in a divorce can help reduce these feelings of guilt.
In much of the research and writings on divorce, it’s clear that kids are resilient. The effects of separation tend to be more challenging in the first 1 to 3 years. Plus, not all kids see negative effects from divorce. Those living in high conflict environments may even see the separation as something positive. In the end, it goes back to doing what’s right for your family. And families can take on many forms. Try your best to explain to your child that, no matter what, you are still a family — you’re simply changing. More than anything else, your child wants to know that they have your unconditional love and support regardless of your relationship status.
Relationship problems & solutions
Intimate relationships that last seem rare these days. They survive only when people have the capacity to find shared ground, commit to one another, and overcome challenges. Relationship issues are common, but there are a number of tried-and-true methods for dealing with them.
1. Communication
If people in a relationship can master communication, they will be far less likely to experience other common relationship problems. Effective, honest communication is essential to relationship success.
Different people communicate differently. You may be quiet while your partner is talkative. Regardless of your communication styles, relationships need effective, regular communication to thrive as a unit.
Maybe you’ve stopped communicating the way you used to. For some couples, every conversation has an edge of confrontation. Others might forget what communication is supposed to entail and how important it is to happiness.
To improve communication and emotional connection in your romantic relationship, try focusing on the following:
● Work on identifying where your conversations are breaking down.
● Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind.
● Be open and honest about your feelings.
● Practice being a good listener.
Communication is a two-way street that both people need to focus on together. If you want your romantic relationship to work in the long run, effective communication should be a priority. The good thing is, there are many useful communication exercises for couples to practice.
2. Sex & Intimacy
Many relationship problems are sex-based. Ask yourself what you want sexually. Be honest and open with yourself. Encourage your partner to do the same. Then, get together and discuss what you both want.
Be mutually respectful of each other’s desires and needs. The chances are, you’ll both be pleasantly surprised and excited to make some changes in your sex life. Of course, some sexual problems will require professional help to get through. In some cases, you or your partner might have a fear of intimacy that’s impacting your sex life. A sex therapist can be a huge asset to any relationship. Explore this option before losing hope.
3. Money
The simple fact is life requires money and couples argue about finances. Financial pressures can lead to catastrophic relationship issues when not addressed properly. Research shows that more than half of all couples enter a marriage already in debt.
It’s wise to have a clear understanding with your partner about who’s responsible for what in terms of money. A basic budget is simple to develop and can go a long way toward avoiding unnecessary arguments.
4. Trauma
External pressures from traumatic life events can stress any relationship. The death of a loved one, financial strain, disease diagnosis, chronic stress, past abuse, or anything else that you or your partner has endured can affect emotional and physical health. Don’t shut your partner out. You’re a team. Be there for each other, even through the rough times.
5. Trust
Trust is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. If you’re questioning whether or not you can trust your partner, calmly yet firmly ask them if there’s reason for concern.
If your partner is the one who has trust issues, reassure them they have nothing to worry about. The good news is that you can overcome trust issues in a relationship.
6. Change in Life Goals
Goals are important, and when two people in a relationship are aligned in terms of what they want out of life, it can be wonderful. Sometimes, however, goals change. If you and your partner can’t get on the same page with what you both want in the future, it can cause problems. Talking about your goals and being realistic about what each of you wants will be important throughout the duration of your relationship.
