The name I got at birth translates to “Wish,” reflecting my mother’s hope that a boy should have been born instead of a girl. It was on that day I first became familiar with gender, not naturally but through life’s circumstances. There was an occasion when I thought it would be okay to take up a job during the hours I felt I didn’t need sleep, but it was a slap of reality across the years of my life. I had lived so far, anticipating that no one could pull me back. It wasn’t long ago that I was burdened by the thought of growing up and leaving home, a child stepping into the grown-up world. This was followed by the thought of a girl moving out of her home. I left a note for my parents that simply said, “To trust with trust,” asking them to trust me. But what kind of trust was I really asking for? Was it the trust that I would remain the same child they had sent away, or that I wouldn’t give in to things that could compromise my character? I still recall that growing up meant not being able to join a group of boys playing football; it didn’t work like that in the world I was in.
There was a time when I struggled with weight and wanted to go around campus with my football shoes in my bag, hoping that society was accepting enough of a girl wanting to kick a football and be included. But it never worked like that a girl couldn’t just walk into a group of boys playing football simply because she wanted to get fit. This was the time that followed my first encounter that I became aware of the word “gender” and the realization that I was stepping into a world that was not so individualistic, but rather gendered. Days unfolded into months, and seasons changed. Over time, I figured out the reason for making my gendered world an individualistic one. The stories of the past spoke to me, and I realized that the present would hold inspiration for me to grow and glow as a woman of these times.
Time is a disguise in memories and occasions which unfold into events. The aspects of my life were shaped by the need to be “man enough.” Biologically, there are differences between a man and a woman, in terms of both brain and body, which vary from genetic makeup that is ‘XX’ in females and ‘XY’ in males. For example, white matter in the brain is more abundant in females, supporting higher-order reasoning and thinking, while visual and coordination centers may work relatively better in males. Given these differences, which have existed since the times of evolution, the distribution of power and work came forward in such a manner. The place I come from is divided into three subdivisions: Kashmir, Ladakh, and Jammu. As a kid, I once traveled around only to find that the place I come from barely had any females as the face of the city. However, right across my hometown, situated 619 km away a day’s drive was a place where females functioned as the faces and pillars of society, making it a matriarchy in modern times. To speak the truth, I was fascinated. Every other shop I visited was managed by females who embodied resilience, confidence, and comfort.
As I grew older, my reflections on these experiences began to shape my understanding of societal roles. I noticed how societal changes influenced everyday life, from the growing presence of women cycling to work, once a rare sight, now a common occurrence, to the broader societal shifts that allowed greater freedom for women. I have vivid memories of a significant moment in Delhi, where I encountered a female pilot for the first time. This experience was a revelation, demonstrating that even the sky wasn’t a limit for women. It underscored a profound truth: our limits are defined by our vision, and expanding that vision allows us to achieve dreams we once only imagined. The belief is that the limit is defined by our vision, and if we expand our vision, we experience things we once only dreamed of. Dreams are an ideal experience because they are thought through before being realized. The diverse cultures of the world are self-explanatory, and sometimes a society functioning on terms of equality is all we need. Diverse cultures come with diverse responsibilities, which are assigned to respect both genders. But present times are witnessing a change, which comes with both positives and negatives. As the quote by Plato states, “Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.”
The beauty of diverse jobs assigned to genders makes up society. A man is no longer restricted to fighting wars; he can be part of the world and fight his battles in life. A woman no longer needs to fight for her rights; times in all cultures assure her of those rights. The differences between genders have existed since the dawn of time, but these distinctions don’t change the stories of both sides overnight. Rather, it has taken years, with each day shattering another brick of sexism, laying the foundation for a world where it’s no longer just about men and women, but about everyone for themselves. In primitive times, men would hunt for animals to provide for their families, while women stayed home to cook the meal brought back this is when gender roles were unconsciously rooted based on biological differences.
Over the years, these biological differences have evolved and, in certain places, have been broadened. Even in the present day, we see how few of our previous generations of women started their education and are now taking over the world. We are all familiar with the quote, “To educate a woman is to educate a nation.” Times have witnessed a significant change from not allowing women to pursue education to seeing them take over the world. The journey hasn’t been easy, and it still isn’t. If we look at it broadly, a woman shouldn’t have to fight for what is inherently a human right rather than a woman’s right. The problem isn’t that change isn’t happening fast enough; the problem is that, even in the 21st century, women still must fight for rights that should be recognized as human rights for all. When you analyze it, men and women are meant to do similar things, despite the natural differences that have always existed.
Growing up, I always wanted a remote- control car with a fancy Barbie driving it in space. That might sound normal today, but the times were different, and even dreaming of such things required encouragement and courage. The traditions of the place I come from taught a girl to stay home and take care of the family. However, my grandmother broke that chain by starting a business in apple orchards, and my mother ensured that education was her priority. The thought of my grandmother starting her agricultural business tells me a lot about her culture and the stereotypes she broke to get where she did from her garden to the gardens of the world, which cherished the fruit she grew.
As mentioned, there haven’t been many generations that have broken the chain of women being just homemakers. However, the change has begun a shift from working at home to providing for homes. It would be a lie not to mention that even now, I sometimes fear that my story will end with me breaking the chain, only to return to being a homemaker rather than someone who lives the life she always dreamed of. The thought of becoming a mother is now a secondary consideration for many women, unlike in past centuries when they were restricted to staying at home and producing offspring. Yet, in the present, we still witness the grace with which women carry the responsibility of being the ones chosen by God to give life and manage lively affairs.
Even today, we see how women are often underpaid compared to men, a disparity rooted in times that failed to challenge the misguided belief that there isn’t a major difference between men and women, except for biological ones. A woman is just as capable as a man of managing the affairs of a nation. According to a survey conducted by the Pew Research Center, 69% of both men and women believe that women make equally wonderful leaders, leaving 21% still clinging to the outdated notion that men are the superior sex. The debate about gender roles in some places is closely tied to geography. There are places that might seem to exist in a parallel universe, but they exist in the same world as ours and are known as ‘matrilocal societies,’ where kinship is passed down through the maternal line, unlike the customary notion where extended families are established through the groom’s family. It’s intriguing to imagine a society run by women a ‘matriarchal society’ where decisions are made by females, and the economy and rules are shaped by them. It might seem like flipping a coin, but the story behind it still holds relevance today.
In 1861, Swiss anthropologist Johann Jakob Bachofen wrote about how the formation of matriarchy stemmed from ‘hetaerism,’ where women initially held no power. To take control of their lives, properties, and political power, and to reclaim their families, they fought back to claim what should never have been a “female right” but a human right claiming what was rightfully theirs. Now, consider the changing times, where childbirth is both a celebration and a source of mourning in different places around the globe, a planet still debated over whether it’s flat, oval, or imaginary. The other day, I read about a mother in India who killed her newborn daughter, her fourth child, out of fear of societal norms and the stigma that came with having another girl. Her family reported the baby’s disappearance, and the police eventually found the newborn dead in a bag. The mother broke down, admitting she was scared for her life and didn’t know how to cope with a daughter who would be treated inhumanely.
In stark contrast, if we take a flight to Sweden a 10-hour journey we find a government that allows parents to work from home until their child is 18 months old, with reduced working hours and up to 80% pay while on leave. Once the child turns one, daycare assistance is provided, among other benefits. These benefits aren’t just for women; they’re part of the quest for equality. The primary process of childbirth, which often forces women to stay home and care for the baby while also managing work, shouldn’t place all the responsibility on the mother. Men are encouraged to step forward as equal partners, supporting the process of raising a child. Sweden isn’t a distant planet miles away, but its policies of equality might make it seem like one.
In the present, there’s a focus on advancements in defense rather than on defending the people within the country. It’s no surprise that diverse cultures bring differences in gender roles based on longstanding notions and primitive beliefs. The women of India are thriving and have come a long way, but even today; we see how different social classes exhibit stark disparities. Women in urban areas are making strides and turning their stories into success, but it’s concerning when one woman, who might be a peer in age, asks her dorm lady who has three kids and is beaten by her drunk husband to clean her room. This pulls us back to the reality that we haven’t come as far as we think. The day both women can do as they wish, without one fearing abuse from her husband, and recognizing that she is the breadwinner of the family, is the day we can truly believe we have evolved as a nation.
If on a rainy day, I ever felt that feminine energy wasn’t enough to handle a challenge and thought I needed to take on a more masculine approach; my sisters would step in to remind me that some tasks require a woman’s touch. They’d show me that the roles we play in society are not fixed; they’re assigned by people. And because we create society, we get to decide what’s rightfully ours to take on and how we should care for it. The home where I was raised was a sanctuary of empowerment and self-expression. Unlike many who are taught to stifle their voices or to remain silent in the face of discrimination, my upbringing was defined by the freedom to speak out and challenge unjust norms.
My father, a man rooted in the traditions of a village and surrounded by brothers, shattered every stereotype as he nurtured my growth. Rather than enforcing the limitations often imposed on women, he set an example of inclusivity and possibility. He never hinted at discrimination; instead, he lived and worked in ways that demonstrated how a woman could excel in any field whether as an educationist, entrepreneur, or psychologist. He showed me that dreams are not meant to be confined within the boundaries of imagination but should be pursued and lived with vigor and ambition. His approach was not just about personal achievement but about breaking barriers and setting new precedents. He involved all of us in his work, and I remember being invited to a one of his official programs on ‘Empowering Young Female Entrepreneurs,’ where prominent female entrepreneurs inspired me to believe that I am just as capable as any man. Throughout history, women have been discriminated against, but my brother taught me that the world doesn’t run on the outdated notion of being ‘man enough.’ Instead, it operates on the principles and morals one brings to the table.
Times have changed, with men staying at home and women becoming breadwinners. However, this shift isn’t always accepted. Some men expect women to work during the day and then manage the household afterward. Society is moving toward a world that’s becoming increasingly difficult to navigate. Today, there’s an unrealistic expectation for a woman to excel both at work and at home, which isn’t created by anyone else but us. The world we’re moving toward isn’t based on equality, let alone equity. Men today suffer as much as women, experiencing a constant ‘fear psychosis,’ as if they are paying for the wrongs committed by men in the past who made life difficult for women.
In modern times, men are often appreciated for displaying ‘alpha masculinity,’ forcing them to hide their emotions and always appear strong, ignoring that they are human too. Indian laws, for example, don’t grant men rights over their children until the children reach a certain age. Even then, men must prove that the mother is ‘unfit’ to gain custody. How is it possible that in the 21st century, a man must prove his partner ‘unfit’ just to be considered for custody of his own child? Men’s rights in revised laws do not truly qualify as rights. According to these laws, a man is first denied his child, and the child is denied paternal care because the law states that a man is to be a provider but within inhumane limits. This ignorance fuels the fear psychosis in men, making them believe it’s hard to trust women.
Gender differences are created by multiple factors, often ignoring the consequences when put to the test in real life. The past saw women being oppressed, leading them to revolt, and in some cases, to view men as adversaries in the fight for equal rights. Now, the tide has turned, with men experiencing similar struggles. Feminism at its core fought for the rights women were denied, but who would have thought it would give rise to ‘pseudo-feminism,’ where some women only seek the benefits without the responsibilities? For example, if a workplace with both men and women has a reservation that the CEO must be female, it undermines the men working there, denying them the right to even dream of earning that position. Laws shouldn’t be made just in response to issues that come to light; we need to remember that laws are supposed to be ‘for the people and by the people.’
Growing up, my mother enrolled me in the school she had always dreamed of attending as a child. During much of my middle school years, I resented this decision because it meant leaving behind the friends and familiarity I had grown up with. However, looking back now, I feel deeply grateful for the opportunity to attend one of the finest schools in the valley. The experience enriched my life in ways I didn’t fully appreciate at the time. It brings me immense joy to know that I was able to fulfill part of my mother’s dream while also moving closer to achieving my own aspirations. Attending a school that prioritized educating girls and empowering the nation fills me with pride. In conversations with my mother, I’ve often asked her if she ever wished I had been a son.
Over time, I’ve come to understand that her wish has evolved. Today, her wish is for me to succeed and see my dreams come true. This realization has made me reflect on how cultural and gender roles are shifting, and I see that true change comes from addressing the deeper barriers that hold us back. While we’ve made progress towards equality, achieving genuine equity remains a work in progress. It’s not just about meeting superficial expectations but about creating a world where real, meaningful opportunities are available to everyone. True progress will come when we move beyond merely adapting to new circumstances and actively tackle the underlying issues that prevent true equality from being realized. The journey has never been about debating gender differences. It is about ensuring that the future is not constrained by the limitations of the past. Instead, it is a quest for equity, where our focus shifts from being defined as men or women to simply being human.
(Author can be reached at: [email protected])
