CHILD PYSCHOLOGY
Picture this: Your six-year-old throws tantrums in the middle of the grocery store, wailing because you said no to a candy bar. Or your 10-year-old slams their bedroom door after losing a video game—again. If these scenes feel all too familiar, you’re not alone.
But here’s the thing: These outbursts aren’t just about defiance or poor discipline—they’re a window into your child’s developing brain. Science shows that kids’ brains are still under construction, with emotional control and impulse regulation being among the last areas to fully mature.
So, before you despair over another public tantrum or dramatic eye-roll, remember: It’s not just a phase—it’s progress. And understanding what’s happening behind the scenes can help you respond in a way that nurtures resilience, not resentment.
The real question is: How can we help them build the skills to cope—without losing our cool in the process?
Imagine your child’s brain is like a two-story house
The Downstairs Brain (The Emergency Room).This is the primal, reactive part of the brain—responsible for survival instincts like fight-or-flight, strong emotions (think tantrums and meltdowns), and automatic functions (breathing, blinking). When this zone takes over, logic shuts down. Result? A screaming 6-year-old in the cereal aisle or a door-slamming teen.
The Upstairs Brain (The Control Center)
This is the light-filled second story, study or library full of windows and skylights where reasoning, impulse control, morality and empathy live. When a child’s upstairs brain is working well, he can regulate his emotions, consider consequences, think before acting and be empathetic. But here’s the catch: It’s under construction and won’t be fully built until their mid-20s.
In fact it’s one of the last parts of the brain to develop. That’s why kids (and teens!) often react before they think. It’s quite a demanding situation to analyse, access and manage your child when emotions take over. As a parent or an educator it’s important to help your child “Move Upstairs?”. Dr Daniel J. Siegel and Dr Tina Payne Bryson in their book titled “The whole-Brain Child” have mentioned about the Whole-Brain Strategy: Engage, Don’t Enrage.
Picture this: Your child is red-faced, screaming, or completely shut down. In this moment, their thinking brain has gone offline, primarily hijacked by the primal, reactive downstairs brain. No amount of logic or consequences will get through because their body is in survival mode.
Let’s learn how we can break down the situation in 3-Steps to Bridge Back to Calm stay.
- Step 1: Meet Them Downstairs First: Instead of reacting we need to understand that we are their saviors. So, speak quietly as agitation fuels agitation and try physical co-regulation; like “I see you’re so upset. Let’s sit together while you breathe.”
- Step 2: Help them release the stress: It’s a time consuming process, requires efforts and demands attention but don’t they actually deserve all of these? Hence, offer simple sensory tools to help them relax before you try to make them think rationally: like “Want to squeeze this stress ball with me?” Use movement: Ask them to stomp like a dinosaur or blow like a dragon
- Step 3: Once they are calm then invite upstairs thinking: Gently reflect and recall the situation with them and help them understand what went wrong and why they are feeling a certain way. This builds self-awareness while offering an emotional and rational support. Like “Are you feeling angry because your toy broke?”
Remember a child’s brain is still under construction. So, instead of dismissing their emotions as “dramatic,” we can help them build a stronger “upstairs brain” through patience, connection, and mindful guidance. It’s imperative for us to understand that kids aren’t giving us a hard time—they’re having a hard time.
(Author is PG in Biosciences and a Research Scholar. Feedback: [email protected])
