Saying goodbye to a parent is one of the hardest things we face in our lives. It is also something that almost everyone goes through. Ideally, when parents live their lives through to old age, we typically have time to “prepare” for the loss. Other times, parents may die unexpectedly, or too early in life, leaving behind children and other loved ones.
Losing a parent brings with it many other losses, including all that that person gave to you. No other bond exists like the one between a parent and child. There is a channel of love—of giving—that existed between you and that parent, and that channel was specific and unique to your relationship, even if there were ten other children in the family. When that channel is broken through death, there is emptiness and longing that often follows, for those things given and received through that channel are also gone.
The loss of a parent is the most common form of bereavement, and even as adults, we are seldom ready for the death of a mother or father. Regardless of our relationship with our parents, we will always be their children. Whether one is ready for it or not, the death of a parent can bring many losses and changes. Who else will remember the first words you spoke, or the way you used to sleep holding your teddy bear? There are typically other losses, too, such as the long-term friendship of adult child and parent, the helpful advice, the emotional support during hard times, and the parent’s home where numerous holidays and celebrations have taken place.
It is not unusual for some people to express feelings of being orphaned when a parent dies. Often the most daunting change upon the death of our parents is the realization that we have now become the older generation. The death of a parent brings a keen reminder of our own mortality-—a shock that often promotes a healthy reevaluation of our life and our values.
Seldom are we, as adults, ready for a parent’s death. We may be busy building our careers or raising our families; we may be spending our free time traveling or seeking to settle down; we may be living close by or a continent away from our parents. Whatever the circumstances, it is virtually impossible to prepare ourselves emotionally for the loss.
Loss of a parent is the single most common form of bereavement, the unstated message is that when a parent is middle-aged or elderly, the death is somehow less of a loss than other losses. The message is that grief for a dead parent isn’t entirely appropriate.
As young people, we depend on our parents as parents are caretakers. They typically provide us with information about the world, become important guides, and lend moral support. They also shape our perceptions about ourselves.
A parent’s death often leaves us with a sense of abandonment and even panic that catches us by surprise. But why are we caught off guard when the death of the “mama” or “daddy” whose name we struggled to utter as tiny tots leaves us reeling or depressed or sleepless?
Because, although we may have lived enough years to be an adult, we will always be a child in relation to our parents. Even if we find ourselves “parenting our parents” at the end of their lives, it is the parent of our youth and childhood that we bury.
Adjust to this loss can be very difficult and take a long time, especially if you had specific ways of being in relationship with your parent, such as talking regularly on the phone every day or a certain time each week, turning to that parent during times of stress because you knew he would just listen, gaining wisdom and advice on topics you knew she always helped you with, etc.
If you were in a caretaking role, you may have set up your schedule to accommodate your parent’s needs. Not tending to all those chores and responsibilities may leave an emptiness at the center of your life that aches to be filled, almost as if you are not out of an important job. And if you were the child most involved with helping your parent, it’s possible that other family members will now see you as caretaker and decision-maker for them, too–a situation sometimes complicated by the fact that siblings less involved may consider their grief to be more significant than yours.
But every survivor is vulnerable to a whole range of powerful feelings such as devastation, fear, abandonment, remorse, frustration, yearning, isolation, or confusion. And if you’ve been a caregiver who is now physically or emotionally exhausted, you will doubtless experience some relief as well, even though it may be sadly intertwined with longing.
When a parent dies, you are left with many emotions and waves of grief experiences, ranging from emptiness and loneliness to guilt and anger.
Forgive yourself for being human. Few of us have had trouble-free relationships with our parents. We may look back with pain at harsh words that were spoken, deep rifts that were left untended, missed opportunities to express love, and more.
This uneasiness can be fertile ground for immobilizing guilt after a parent dies and the opportunity for reconciling is lost. But we can be confident that our deceased parent forgives us and, indeed, recognizes his or her role in the situation as well.
We must also forgive ourselves for our imperfect efforts to be responsive as our parent aged, became more dependent, and placed greater expectations upon us. Geographical distance may have made it unrealistic to be the support a parent wanted. Necessary and appropriate limits on our time may have been an issue. Emotionally, we may not have been able to handle the demands made on us–switching roles with a parent, for instance, or making the extremely difficult decision to place a mother or a father in a nursing home. Once again, we can be consoled that our deceased parent understands and forgives us.
Our life has not lost its meaning; indeed, it has taken on new meaning as we bury part of our past and write a new chapter in our lives. And, believing in God’s promise of a life hereafter, we can look forward to a heavenly family reunion.
Loss of a parent at an early age has been shown to lead to long-term psychological damage in children, especially when the parent lost is the mother. To prevent this, psychologists suggest grief therapy for the child, allowing the child to express his or her feelings and providing feedback and activities to pursue when grief resurfaces.
(The author is a regular columnist and can be mailed at [email protected])
