Forgive and forget: A remedy to save relations
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Forgive and forget: A remedy to save relations

We all tend to make mistakes; it is innate to every human being. But how we react and respond to them is something that manifests our character

Post by on Sunday, July 4, 2021

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“To err is human; to forgive, divine”, is a well-known phrase, having its genesis from an English poet -Alexander Pope’s poem “An Essay on Criticism, Part II”. It expresses an idea that forgiveness is a commendable reaction to the human errors. We all tend to make mistakes; it is innate to every human being. But how we react and respond to them is something that manifests our character. It is a recurrent practice in some of us that we resort to self-harm, like beat ourselves up, over silly things. 
Psychology says, self-harm in any form emerges from the absence of compassion and kindness towards oneself as a result of a painful childhood experiences that has left a child with emotional scars. We shut doors to any criticism from friends and family to evade the feeling of insecurity or inadequacy. Can this be categorised as a sound response to the situation? The answer is, No. A feeling of disdain towards someone or something and self-loathing consequently takes a toll on our health, mental well-being and relationships with loved ones. A common yet a powerful solution to save ourselves from these is “the art of forgiving”. 
The definition of the word “forgive” is “to cease to feel resentment against someone”. In neurology, “forgiveness is a change in mental state in which a person decides and succeeds in eliminating anger towards another person”. The art of forgiving can be considered as a skill, an emotion, or an action. We forgive people or seek one from an individual. However, I feel, to a great extent, we are forgetting this art and letting ourselves to fill the bags of hatred towards ourselves, and towards our loved ones. The preference of ignoring over forgiving encourages a pseudo mental peace in us and thus leading to the lack of empathy towards our own self and towards others. We always look for ways to avenge the person who has hurt us. We prefer taming the negative thoughts for our loved ones instead of the positive ones, hence making it difficult for us to keep our relationships healthy. 
All the religions in the world teach us to be compassionate and forgiving. In the Holy book of Qur’an, Allah (SWT) mentions the reward for the people who pardon and make reconciliation (Qur’an 42:40). Pardoning someone is not completely a selfless act, but has a great benefit to one’s own self. An article published in The Mayo Clinic discusses the health benefits promoted by magnanimity. The major ones include, healthier relationships, improved self-esteem, a decrease in stress and anxiety, reduction in depression, healthy heart, and a better immune system.
In addition, to being magnanimous, we need to be very humble and apologetic in nature. An addition of a sincere and respectful apology creates an environment of mending the relationships. It makes it easier for a person to heal and grow in a relationship. Robert Gordon, an American Economist, in his talk on the “Power of an apology” outlines three main characteristics of an apology: Acknowledgement, remorse, and restitution. The inclusion of these three elements in an apology makes it incredibly amazing and is advantageous to both the recipient and the provider. Again, it is human psychology that a man feels inferiority in accepting a mistake and seeking apology. In a hadith, Allah’s Apostle (SAW) said, “Oh Ali! My intercession shall not reach to the person who does not accept an apology from another person – whether the apology is truthful or untruthful”. Another Hadith is, “it is not lawful for a Muslim to stop talking to someone for more than three nights…” and in the later part of the same hadith Prophet Mohammad (SAW) encourages us to be the first in offering a hand of reconciliation saying, “…the better one amongst the two is who greets first”. Seeking vengeance and feeling of inferiority in initiating a dialogue destroys the very basic ethos of humanity, and has been considered as one of the causative agents of depression by various scientific studies.
Let us pledge today that, we forgive all those people who have hurt us intentionally or unintentionally.Starting from myself, I seek apologies from all the people I have wronged till now. Let us live with each other in harmony and love. Let us save our relationships and take a first step towards a depression free life. 
(Author is a Researcher in the department of Computer Sciences, Baba Ghulam Shah Badshah University, Rajouri, Email: asifadil@bgsbu.ac.in)
 

 

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